A Hard Beginning
by Canne
Summary: The hardest thing about facing the future is coming to terms with the past. CJ visits Toby.


Title: A Hard Beginning 

Author: Claire

Summary: Post Tomorrow. The hardest thing about facing the future is coming to terms with the past. CJ visits Toby.

Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing (shock) or John Heywood.

Author's Note: Institutional Memory was lame. The scene between Toby and CJ was particularlyso; therefore, I'm going to pretend that it didn't happen. This is how, in my opinion, The West Wing should have ended.

* * *

"A hard beginning maketh a good ending" – John Heywood

She's supposed to be on a plane tomorrow morning, heading to California, to the man she's said she loves. She should be packing now, throwing the last few pieces of her Washington life into suitcases while getting buzzed on Merlot.

Instead she's standing outside of Toby's apartment building.

She's been standing here for ten minutes already, scared to ring the bell, afraid that he might ignore her, or worse, yell at her. She didn't come here to be yelled at, although she's not really sure why she came at all.

She finally builds up enough courage to mount the steps, and then, before she talks herself out of it, she pushes the buzzer next to his name.

"Are you finally done freezing yourself to death?" He growls, making her feel stupid, knowing that he was a witness to her hesitancy and timidity.

"Just let me in Toby." She says pathetically. Only hours ago, she was one of the most powerful people in the country, and yet now she's standing here whining like a child. How the mighty have fallen.

He doesn't answer her, but the door unlocks and she lets herself in, quickly climbing the stairs until she reaches his floor. He's standing in his doorway.

"I wasn't sure if you were going to be home. I thought that maybe you and the kids might have gone out with Andy, to celebrate maybe."

"No." He answers succinctly. "Is that why you're here? To celebrate?" He asks, glancing at the bottle of scotch she's holding.

"I don't know why I'm here. I meant to go home, but somehow I ended up here. With $300 bottle of scotch." They move through his front room, back into the kitchen where he finds them two glasses. She doesn't say anything, just watches his movements. She's missed him, missed his acerbic wit, his brilliance, his loyalty. She's even missed his beard.

He fills her glass, then his. They raise them, and for a moment their eyes meet and she's sure that he can see straight through her. But she's not sure that she's bothered by that.

"To finally starting our real lives." He says quietly, before clinking his glass against hers. She drains her glass in one long sip. He immediately refills her glass.

"Did you come here to get drunk Claudia?" He asks, letting his fingers brush against hers as he hands her back the glass. She nods, although she's not really sure that is why she came, but it seems as good a reason as any.

"I'm leaving tomorrow morning you know. For California." She tells him, starring at the amber liquid in her glass rather than at him.

"Josh told me. He thinks you're being an idiot."

"He thinks that, or you think that?" She asks sharply, snapping her head back up to look at him.

"We both think so."

"Well who the hell are you, to be giving me advice? The two biggest grouches in Washington, neither of who can hold down a normal relationship, should both can it. Danny loves me."

"But you don't love him." Toby retorts, hitting at what's been bothering her for several months now.

"I might, I could." She says. Toby laughs at her.

"You aren't brave enough to love anyone." He snaps bitterly. She slaps him, hard enough to hurt her hand.

"You don't know what you're talking about." She says tersely, rubbing her hand softly. Toby looks at her mutely, his sad brown eyes only making her angrier.

"Don't I?" He asks quietly. And then, to her embarrassment, she starts crying, first softly, then loudly as Toby comes and pulls her to him.

* * *

Hours later, after more shouting and more crying, they are seated in his living room. It's dark outside now and CJ really should be going home to pack, but the more time she spends with Toby, the farther away Danny and California seem. 

"So, you've been talking with Josh?" CJ said cautiously. Toby nodded. "For how long?"

"For a while. He used to call up, during the campaign and stuff."

"Has he talked to you about Donna lately?"

"Of course CJ, because we're really teenage girls and have nothing better to do than gossip about our latest crushes."

"Seriously, they're finally…something. A serious something."

"I think the scotch is addling your brain." He retorted. She smirked at him.

"They went on vacation together, during transition. To Hawaii." She told him.

"Well, good for them." Toby said, taking a long drag from his cigar.

"And Josh Bailey is sleeping with Kate Harper."

"CJ, I think you're confusing me with someone who cares."

"And Sam is back and apparently engaged, although her identity is mysterious. And Ainsley Hayes is back from California too, and I always thought that she and Sam looked pretty together and --- " Toby silenced her by leaning forward and pressing his lips against her, casting aside his cigar and wrapping his arms around her. When he pulls away, she's mute for several moments.

"We shouldn't." She says lamely, as he runs his fingers through her hair, pulling her back to him. This time she moans into his mouth, returning his kiss. Toby's kiss has always been her greatest weakness, the only thing she's never been able to resist. Every time he kisses her, she feels like she's twenty-five and in love for the first time. But, of course, she's not twenty five anymore and, she reminds herself, she's not in love with him anymore. She can't be.

But that doesn't stop her from sleeping with him.

* * *

She wakes up with the morning light in her eyes and his arm draped around her waist. Even without look at her watch, she knows that she's missed her plane. But she doesn't really care anymore, because last night, somewhere between the yelling and the slapping and the drinking and the lovemaking, she realized that this was what she wanted: to stay here with Toby, to yell, to drink, and to make love with him. 

She doesn't know if she's in love with him, but she's excited to find out, more excited at the prospect of having him break her heart again than she ever was by Danny's promises of a shared future.

* * *

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